I have suffered from depression probably my whole life but was first diagnosed when I was 20. In 2013 I had my worst depressive episode lasting for probably two years. I was not only dealing with my medical condition of depression but also felt the betrayal of God to let me fall into such despair. Needless to say, I was very angry with God.
The pain and sorrow of that darkness made me feel worthless and I felt there was no reason to live.
Over time, I got a lot of counselling, support from my girlfriend (now wife) and family. I was prescribed medication that has balanced me out to this day. It was a painful 2-year process but the support got me through the most severe depths of depression.
But there was something still holding me back. I was honestly trying to move on with my life but that feeling of abandonment and loss of trust in God still lingered.
During those two years, I was still going to Mass. One day, Father Justin Huang invited me to Faith Studies after he greeted me after Mass. He invited me while in line, in front of a lot of people. I didn’t necessarily want to go but I am the kind of person who likes to take on a challenge so I said yes.
The first few sessions didn't really connect with me. I kept my distance from the studies, finding them very basic and superficial. But then week five of the study changed me.
It was the lesson focusing on Revelation 3:20 and the description of the painting Heart's Door by Warner Sallman. In that painting, Jesus is knocking at a door with no doorknob. Only the person inside can let Jesus in.
Something in the lesson opened me up and made me realize God's love for me. He hadn’t abandoned me but was waiting for me. I then realized that I hadn’t wanted Jesus in. I wanted to remain angry.
It’s not the rules or commandments that drove me away from Christ, it was because I wouldn’t let Jesus in to love me, suffer with me, triumph with me, mourn with me, and show me a version of myself I couldn’t even imagine, the self that God knows we can be and designed us to be.
That week, I decided to let Jesus in and help gut out the anger and resentment. It wasn't quick but it was the beginning of Him working out a lot in my heart.
God broke down fear, and gave me hope, hope that the God of this universe through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ makes us all worthy of love, that we are all justified and counted. For me, going through that Faith Study was the door that allowed me to accept Christ’s love without reservation.
Since then, not only has my relationship with Christ deepened, I've seen my faith study companions being transformed as well.
No longer were they just "nice men" who came to Mass every Sunday, but they were now leaders that attracted other young men to their presence. They engaged with visitors and were not afraid to have difficult conversations. They were first to volunteer and leaped into the journey with all that wanted accompaniment. This particular group further convicted my faith and showed me how to live the faith practically as a husband, father, and leader.
We all experienced our identity in Him. We were changed when we accepted His love.
God will change your life if you let Him.
